A Heart For God
By Rhea
I was born the second child in a family of 6 children, 4 girls and 2 boys. We were your typical blue collar Catholic family and I have to say my growing up years were pretty good. Though we weren’t rich, we had a lot of fun together and I am grateful for the sacrifices my Mom and Dad made for us kids. Mom was very creative and a wonderful storyteller and great cook. We all have issues with our parents and one of them for me was that I felt I never measured up to her expectations. I looked like and had many personality traits of my Dad.
It wasn’t until I was much older that I recognized Mom had issues and problems in her own life that caused her to be dissatisfied and as we kids grew up, the problems got bigger, ending in my parents divorcing after I married and had a family of my own. I always had a heart for God and tried to be a good girl.
At one time in my teens, I even wanted to become a nun. When I told my Mom this, her comment was "you’re not good enough to make it". Other comments over the years were "you’re stubborn just like your Dad" and colored with comparisons to my very smart older sister and my very vivacious younger sister, I began to think I didn’t count for much. It’s funny (not really funny) how these things stick in your mind and color your choices in life. I wanted to be loved and accepted and I also wanted to be married and have my own family.
When I met my husband and fell in love with him, it didn’t take long for me to get married and begin my own family. I look back now and realize I rushed into it, but I know even then that God had a plan for me. We married a year after I graduated and two days before our 1st anniversary we had our first child. Two more would follow in the next four years. My husband was not ready to have children. All he wanted was to be a couple and all I wanted was a family and children to love. Motherhood was very fulfilling for me and fatherhood was scary to him.
After our first child was born, he started drinking with the guys after work and staying away from home more and more. Having an alcoholic father, he’d often said when we dated "I’ll never drink and be like my Dad. He was never there for me." Well, alcoholism runs in his family and he soon became an alcoholic. I poured my heart and soul into taking care of my family and told myself things would get better, but they never did.
We struggled financially and in our marriage for many years. I hung in there because my upbringing was that marriage was for life and if things were rough, well that was "your cross to bear". But by the time I was almost 30, my life was a shambles. We’d lost our home, car and a business all in one year. I was working in a department store and depressed to the point of being suicidal. I can remember at one point locking myself in my bedroom and begging God to end my life. I cried out to Him, "if You care at all about me, help me!"
Around this point in my life, with the help of a friend, I began going to Al-Anon and began to feel like there might be some hope for me, if not my husband. One day at work, a security guard began talking to me and I shared some of my problems with him. We began chatting occasionally and one day he gave me a tract "How to know if you’re a Christian". He asked if I would read it and tell him the next time I saw him what I thought. I read it and for the first time realized I was not a Christian, even though I was "religious". When he invited me to visit his church (an Assembly of God church) I immediately told him I could not go because I was Catholic and not allowed to go to other churches. He calmly asked me if I would ask God about it and see what He said. I said yes, although quite honestly I hadn’t a clue that God would answer.
I’d been in the habit of missing church. To be honest, I was so disillusioned with church I had no desire to go. Guilt yes, but no desire to go. But I did pray and ask God about this and the following Sunday I awoke early and literally felt compelled to go to this AG church. What I remember most is that I felt surrounded by love during the service and enjoyed the music and the message. I went back to the evening service and gave my heart and life to Jesus that very night. God did a miracle in me that night! I went from being so depressed and sad to being full of joy and excitement. My salvation was truly a "Paul" experience and continued to grow every day.
As you may know, when we get reborn it can be strange to our family and friends and my family thought I was a bit crazy. My mother was angry that I’d deserted the Catholic church and my husband thought I was in a cult or something because I wanted to go to church all the time and soak up the Word! He even went to talk to the pastor at one point and while he verbally accepted Christ in the pastor’s office, there was little evidence of a changed heart or a desire to go on with God in his life.
Not long after my salvation, I found out my husband was having an affair while on the road for his job. Amazingly, God gave me grace to forgive him and for awhile our marriage even got a bit better until the drinking took over again.
Even during this time, God was everything to me and kept me in His arms. I was saved on September 30, 1975. As I began to learn more, my desire was to be baptized by immersion and as a birthday present to myself I was baptized in November, 1975. Not long after that I learned about the Baptism in the Holy Spirit. I wanted EVERYTHING God had for me! I was on fire for God! I began to seek this baptism and truly became obsessed with receiving it. I prayed and sought God for several months and one day as I knelt in my bedroom praying and praising Him my hallelujah became a word in a new language. The more I spoke this word, the more new words came to me. I’ll tell you I was EXCITED!!! Serving and loving this wonderful God was becoming more thrilling every day.
During the first year I was saved I told everyone about Jesus and gave my testimony every chance I got. God was on the move and I saw several friends and neighbors not only get saved, but filled with the Spirit and called into ministry. One couple became active in their Catholic church in the charismatic renewal. Another couple eventually became pastors. What a great God we serve!
My Testimony – Part II
By Rhea
Despite my husband’s alcoholism and our troubled marriage, for many years I kept on growing in the things of God. When I was saved for about a year we moved from my hometown to a small country town in Michigan. We lived in Shepherd, Michigan for only one year and my husband was transferred again to Flint, Michigan. While in Shepherd God continued doing some amazing things, including giving me some wonderful friends, a bible study in my home, and the opportunity to start an Aglow in our little town and to speak at one of the meetings.
At the same time, the enemy was doing his best to wreak havoc in my home. My husband was drinking heavily and after 9 months in Shepherd he was transferred to Flint and driving 45 minutes to work and then back late at night after drinking. When he was home, he was fighting with me and our oldest son who was going through puberty and becoming very angry with his Dad.
By the time we moved to Flint and settled in, I hoped for a fresh start and tried hard to find a way to improve our marriage and family. I tried counseling with a pastor and even got my husband to go a couple of times, but all he’d do is sit there and only answer when asked a question. Things went downhill fast. I basically gave up hoping for a change in my marriage and made a life for myself separate from my husband. Not a good thing, but I didn’t know where to turn anymore.
We lived in Flint for 4 years and I had a good job and the kids made many friends there. My oldest graduated and not long afterwards, we got the news that my office was closing due to the economy, then 3 weeks later we got the news that my husbands office was closing. He transferred back to our hometown and for a year I didn’t work and went back to my old church and did volunteer work.
In a year, we got news that the bakery where he worked was closing for good and we had to transfer out again. This was in 1983 and we moved to Illinois. At this time, my son had moved to Texas to live with my sister and go to school there, but within a year he moved to Illinois as well and got a job at the bakery with my husband. My worse fears were realized when I saw my son join his dad at the bars drinking with the guys. Back to Al-Anon I went for support.
I was a member of a large AG church, in the choir and all, and working full time at a job I really loved. I began to get a lot out of my work. I got praises, made friends, and felt like at least at work I got the attention and strokes I so badly wanted and needed. At least at work, things were going well, if not at home.
I was promoted to customer service manager and worked with the salesmen, purchasing and all the other departments and because of being so busy at work and putting in a lot of hours, I started cutting back on church involvement. To tell the truth, I was getting mad at God for not intervening in my marriage. After all, I’d been faithful to Him. Why weren’t my prayers being answered! Not that I’d admit that to anyone, but that was how I was feeling in my heart. The enemy began to put thoughts in my head that "I deserve better", "everyone else is getting their prayers answered, why not me?", etc, etc, etc. And I began to buy his line of lies. I made a choice somewhere along the line that I’d make my own happiness.
About that time, I began to be attracted to a gentleman at work. He was divorced and very quiet, but nice. I’m a very warm loving person and I began to draw him out in conversations. I found out he had three children he loved deeply, one of them had a physical disability and the stories he shared about sitting by his child’s hospital bed really touched me. He himself had polio as a youngster and had overcome many things in his life. His father had passed away and he took care of his mother who was bedridden for many months before her passing. He loved the things I loved……family, music, gardening and lots of other things.
Boy, the enemy set me up pretty good. And I fell hard. I forgot to mention that during this time I’d been in counseling for about a year and had decided that I was going to leave my husband after the last child was married. In November of 1988, I did just that. By this time I was madly in love with this man and determined to get a divorce. Well, God had other plans. After our separation, my husband began to reevaluate his life. Even though I was in love with someone else, God began working on my husband. He called me constantly wanting to get back together, but I didn't even want to talk to him. He’d promised so many times in the past to quit drinking and then failed to keep his promise, I’d become very hardened to him.
Several months went by. One night he said he was crying and asking God to help him and he felt a presence in the kitchen of his apartment. Soon after, he quit drinking. He wanted to date me again and even though I was in love with another, I said if he wanted to see me he’d have to take me only to church. He went out and bought a suit and began to take me to breakfast and church on Sunday.
One night at a children’s Christmas program at church he began to cry and ask me to forgive him for never being there for our children and me. He went to each of our children and asked for their forgiveness as well. I saw a big change in him and when he asked me to try one more time and give him another chance, I said yes. Mind you, I was still in love with this other man. I went back to my husband because I believed God wanted me to, but I was so deep into my relationship with this other man who filled many emotional needs in my life I was not able to find the courage and strength to give him up. I began to live a double life and for 8 years I lived like this.
My heart torn in two, trying to love two people and knowing I was sinning against God. I tell you, in nearly killed me in so many ways. After several years of this, I began to feel a desire to get right with God. I prayed, tried to break the relationship, failed, agonized, tried again and failed many more times. I didn’t believe God could fill my heart better with love than this man could. And every time I’d attempt to break it off, something would happen that either he or I really needed each other’s support and we’d get back together. I was still not getting my emotional needs met at home. Yet I wanted to be back in God’s will again. I was desperate for a breakthrough!
I began to write out scripture and prayers on index cards and speak them out to God every chance I got. One day in my car praying, the presence of the Lord filled the car and I knew my deliverer had come. It was the first time in years that I felt the presence of the Lord fill me again. It may sound crazy, but I knew I was free and felt born again once more. First chance I got I called my lover and broke off our relationship and I told him what the Lord had done for me. Over the years I’d told him of my desire to be back in fellowship with the Lord and that I felt guilty and wanted to end things, but never could I follow through until now. I shared with him that God would do the same for him if he would turn to Him, but he wasn’t receiving it. At that point, it didn’t matter to me. I knew God would take care of him and let it go.
Ladies, this isn’t a fairy tale ending. Though God delivered me and forgave me, I still have a marriage that is unfulfilling. A couple of years ago, I was again at the point of wanting out of my marriage. The difference this time was that I’d gotten back into fellowship with some strong believers and shared my feelings with them. They prayed with me over and over. My husband was being a real jerk in many ways and my emotional needs and frustrations were overwhelming me. I even told my husband if things didn’t change I wanted out of the marriage.
A couple of my friends talked me into going to a retreat and at that retreat I broke before the Lord once again. I felt Him ask me some hard questions, like "Do you love Me and will you let me be your Bridegroom?" "Am I really your all in all or does it depend on your husband changing?" "Will you serve Me if nothing changes in your marriage?" and "If your mission for me was to be Dick’s wife and be a light for Me, would you obey?" I’ll tell you, something broke in me once again and what could I say but Yes Lord! I went home feeling hope once again and that was a real turning point again. Is my marriage happy and fulfilling? No, it is not. But you know what? I’m here for the long run and with God’s grace over my life and my determination to serve my husband as unto the Lord, I am enabled to live daily with hope in my heart.
One more thing to share with you. I still have times when I literally long to contact and be with the other man. Memories and dreams will make me want to see him again. But at those times, I recommit myself to God and pray and praise Him for keeping me from making a wrong choice again. I make a conscious choice to confess my longings to God, ask for forgiveness and grace and walk in it. I believe that God is good and that he uses our experiences to bring him glory once under the Blood.
I believe that all things do work together for good to those who love God and are called to His purpose (Ro. 8:28) and that because of what I’ve been through I can be a light and a hope to someone else going through similar things.
I hope my testimony has given you hope that no matter what life brings, God is the answer and He is faithful.
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